Making a life long commitment

There’s been a change I’ve been wanting to make for some time now. I remember as a kid having this book with dinosaurs teaching you how to recycle and conserve water and energy. I thought this is important and I can do this.

Sadly I was only about 7 or 8 and this was a time when recycling was laughed at and deemed unnecessary in my family.  Besides what is one family going to really accomplish in the grand scheme of things right?

But even still all this time I’ve had it in the back of my head that it was important and needed to be done. Now I’ve realized there are no more excuses and I have a family of my own and it’s time for me to show them just how important it is.

So, with that being said I’m going to start a YouTube channel about our family’s integration to a greener life. I want to document the process we go through to not only share it but keep us accountable.  I hope others who are currently going through the same thing will be able to share their thoughts either through comments or possible appearance on a video. I also hope that others who are deciding to do the same will gain some guidance and reassurance that we can leave this earth a better place and know that our future generations are working towards the same.

Stay tuned with my first video update!

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Just freakin do it

So often I find myself Contemplating the things in life I’d like to achieve and get so overwhelmed I just wanna curl up and bed and forget about my big ambitions..

I mean who else out there really cares if I fail or succeed right? WRONG! Maybe not everyone cares what I have to say but I know someone out there is thinking the same thing. I want to make a difference. I want to truly help people regain all that escapes us. That is my life goal and I will work my hardest to achieve it. So now it’s time to get down to business. So many of us for too long sit around waiting for the time to be right to start and before we know it years go by and we’re still in the same cycle, stuck in no forward motion. Until you decide to just freakin do it.

Bringing the outside in?

Another dilemma I find myself struggling with is whether or not to start a Youtube video. Sounds a little pretentious I know but I often find channels where I really connect with the person on a level. There are many videos I’ve watched that have really inspired me and really got my creative juices flowing and I want to be that for someone else. I want to be able to inspire people to find what they are passionate about as I am on my journey doing the same. But again, I don’t know if it would even matter. I guess I should figure out just what that channel would even be about before I go off blabbing on some tangent in a video for all to see. I guess its a brainstorming I go!

Spiraling down the rabbit hole.

I used to read from several other points of view warning about rushing into spiritual awakening and keeping yourself grounded in the process. It’s hard going on a self discovery. You realize things about yourself that sometimes you wish could stay buried. Breaking cycles from your childhood. Finally coming to terms with why you had an absent father and grasping deep down inside to find a way to forgive him and move on to a better relationship.

Those are just the tip of the ice burg. It seems everywhere you look things aren’t as they seem, who is really telling the truth any more? Who can you trust? Then learning to just trust yourself….because ultimately we’re all one right? Then just dealing with the mundane every day life of laundry and dishes. It can get a little overwhelming balancing it all.

I find myself taking a breather and remembering to just live in this moment. Right now life is good. My family is happier than ever. We are better off financially than ever and we are on the right track to wonderful things in our future. That right now is what is important. Is the world going to come crumbling down tomorrow as predicted so grimly numerous times before? Heck I don’t know. Honestly I doubt it will happen any time soon and when it does its going to be in such a simple elegance that only Mother Earth her self could pull off. In the mean time I’m going to love every blessed moment I am given in this beautiful life I have and when the question arise that so many of us ask every day I’ll just continue to remind myself that for now right here is enough.

To blog or not to blog..

That’s the question I keep asking myself. Blogging is so much more than just recipes and mommy crafts to me but in order to do it to my fullest desire I would have to open up about my inner most thoughts to whomever stumbles across my page. Does anyone care what I even have to say? How many people will criticize my thoughts and struggles? Should I even really care what they have to say? I guess the only way to find out is to go for it right? My fear is what has been stopping me, keeping me from continuing what sometimes keeps me up at night. Connecting with like minded people in order to further evolve our future generations for the greater good…and ultimately discovering a long the way just what that is. Stay tuned.

Getting lost in it all.

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So I suck at blogging so far. I really want to utilize the opportunity to find other like minded people. I wan’t to express myself and all that jazz just like everyone else who has this same passion. I would love to find people who are dedicated to changing their lives and the lives around them. Promoting positive thoughts and behavior, breaking the cycles of those generations before us and laying the foundation for those generations to come. A new way of thinking and treating each other. No more trying to control one another, instead we learn to help one another. We see each other as individuals. Separate. Constantly looking for security, control, fighting fear and things unknown. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn to smash those walls we put up to divide us and realize we are all one. *One love. Love is what conquers all. Fear is the force behind evil. You conquer fear with love. Love is the key to happiness, peace, harmony, all of those things we are all looking for but we get lost in the fear a long in the way.

I could go on for days on this tangent. But the reality is I have 3 kids, all of whom require my almost constant attention. So how do I deal with balancing between the three of them, being a good mom and partner? How do you ever find the time to devote to your own self discovery and spiritual path? I recently read The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. It was truly an eye opener. It sums up a lot of what I have felt to be true for some time but didn’t have the words to put it in. I highly recommend reading this book series. I am currently on book number 2 “The Tenth Insight” and it is amazing as well. I just find it so hard to make time to read a long with all the other outlets I would love to be able to devote more time to.

Like I’ve stated in a previous post we’re living in a hotel. My fiance lost his engineering job which was our main source of income and now were having to work to pay for the room. Not a bad deal considering the circumstances. We’ve been stuck in this cycle of moving and trying to fix past errors that only lead to more errors that send us further into the shit whole that we have developed. We aren’t bad people, we do our best to treat others with kindness and an open heart. We love our children and each other. But we are products of a generation who were NOT awake. Filled with so much anger and confusion and again…fear. So it is our responsibility as awakened souls to better ourselves. For our own good and the good of our future kind. But how do we do that? How do we find the time when there are so many other things that require our attention? How do we balance living inside and out? That is my current struggle.

Living in a hotel has definitely been a change for all of us. At first I resisted. I was angry. Why was my family losing our home..again..and being forced into a hotel this time? I have tried repeatedly to budget and manage and control and fix…I can keep on and on. I turned into a narcissist. Me the free loving, easy going, always happy person. Who is this? Why did we go from being happy and finding ourselves in each other and our children only to struggle daily?

I think that’s the point. You have to learn to tear down everything you’ve been conditioned into and break free. Unbecome who you are “supposed to be” and find who you really are inside. It’s the struggles and hardships that lead you to that. I have found in our current situation that it has brought us so much closer. We basically live in a one bedroom apartment and we are always together. Before we were so divided and now my girls play together which they never did. They are best friends and it’s amazing. I have had to completely re-think my parenting. It has put my patience in check and I needed that. I absolutely think it has made me a better more constructive parent. We also lost almost everything we own. It has made me learn to let go of materialistic attachments and that is very hard for me.

Hang in there on your journey. We will all get there in our own way.

Love and peace

It's all about the perspective.

The human life..it’s an interesting experience isn’t it? I’ve lived a pretty average American life so far on my 24 years on Earth. My parents were high school sweethearts and obviously each others first…well everything. They got pregnant and married at 18 and 19 years old and that’s when my daddy shipped off to the Navy. I was even featured on the front page of my city’s news paper when I was born because my dad was on a ship in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico and was able to use a phone to hear my first cry as I came into this world. Eventually after his 4 years were up we moved back to the great ol’ state of Texas (where we’re from) and after a sister, 4 more years and an affair (my moms) later they divorced. Mom moved us girls off to a different state with her new love and my dad ended up on drugs with his new girlfriend. blah blah…more on that later. Fast forward 15 years and here I am in a hotel with my 3 children, fiance and our dog Momma. Life sucks. I think that’s why I’m starting this blog. I need to express my life in the rawest form regardless of judgement. I think we all do. It’s so hard living each day trying to do the best you can to only be continually looked down upon for any choice you make, whether you think it’s a good one or not. We’re all human here. Just trying to figure out why we’re here on this sometimes crappy planet. There’s so many theories that float around out there and with that comes more confusion. What is real? Is this really all there is? If not how do we get more out of life? Why are some people who do nothing blessed with so much? All the questions everyone wonders about..obviously there’s many more but those are just the ones bothering me the most right now.

To recap the last few years as I’ve entered “adulthood” I graduated..barely..got pregnant by some stupid boy I thought loved me who ended up leaving me for another girl (with most of my stuff) when I was 6 months pregnant. So after giving birth to my sweet 6 lb 12 oz baby girl we moved off back to moms and started over. I went back to school, decided that sucks and started waiting tables. I was finally becoming who I wanted to be. I worked for about 6 months, got my own place, my own car, paid my own bills and raised my baby girl. I was finally independent. I didn’t depend on a man for anything…nope not even that. Most of them don’t do that right either. I was learning about living a positive life, making memories with friends and searching with a lot of error for that wonderful man to come in and sweep me off my feet. I was confident in myself for the first time ever. Men wanted me, which after getting knocked up and getting what I thought was a bunch of stretch marks I didn’t think that would ever happen again. I had fun but still something was missing. I dated all the wrong guys. Cheaters, liars, manipulators and babies..by that I mean it was like I had 2 children. I was literally just giving up when the man of my dreams came into the picture. I often daydreamed a lot at work that one day a man would come in and sit at a table and see me and fall in love…haha I know. But that’s what happened…just not how I’d expected.

The first time I saw him he was sitting at table 1 filling out his orientation paper work. I’d heard about him starting, he was a friend of one of my best friends  at the time and he was going to be filling the bartending position I’d been working so hard to get. I was pissed. Why was some guy just gonna come in and take over when I’d been there for over a year and kissed sooo much ass to get that position. UGH. But all of that went away as soon as I saw him. It was literally love at first sight. It sounds so lame I know but it really happened that way. It was the same for him too. By day 3 he told me he loved me and 2 weeks he was living with me.

Now fast forward again almost 3 years later and we’ve had a beautiful baby girl and 1 year 1 month and 1 day later a beautiful boy. All very fast. But that’s just us. Some people would say I’m stupid and who knows what else. Oh well…I don’t know maybe I am. Sometimes I think so…which sucks because I’m actually a pretty intelligent person normally. The love we have is indescribable, we are seriously 2 parts of one whole being. He’s everything I thought I’d end up with and some that I hadn’t thought of. But even so stuff still sucks sometimes. Money is always gone before we get it. He has 2 jobs, during the day he’s an engineer and 3 nights a week hes a bartender. He’s also an ex addict and currently substituting his previous addiction with one that is easily sustained working in a bar. Which has led to a DWI and one angry woman. See its all the stereotypical life..and by that I mean repeating my parents mistakes, making my own stupid mistakes and trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong and where do I go from here. Life isn’t perfect…I mean we’re currently living in a hotel..granted it’s a nice one but still a hotel none the less..because we recently got evicted. Why? Mistakes, human error. Bad choices trying to correct mistakes and more bad choices trying to cope with them.

If you’ve read this far, well thank you. Maybe you’re one of those people who go through life sincerely trying to do your best and still getting the shitty end of the stick. Maybe you can help me a long my journey and I can do the same on yours. I know I’m writing a novel but these are just the basics of me and eventually the rest will unfold. Stay tuned and I’ll unravel a little bit more..

It’s all about the perspective.